Interpersonal Skills

3 Techniques to Skillfully Get What You Want

Jessie Gebauer & Joel Carlovsky

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Joel: Is it difficult to ask for what you need? Have you ever practiced having a tough conversation but couldn’t figure out the best way to word it? What to say? What to NOT say? I have. I definitely have. On the podcast today we’re talking about 3 techniques to combat this dilemma and skillfully get what you want.

Jessie: Marigolds, it is all about those interpersonal effectiveness skills to get what you want, keep your relationships strong, and preserve your self-respect in the process. We will share these 3 techniques, but also our stories around them. Our successes. Our hard lessons. And everything in between!

DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST

Jessie: Now Joel, we are about to share these three techniques but I know that you wanted to give a disclaimer first. What is it?

Joel: Well, actually it’s a few disclaimers. First, Jessie and I are NOT licensed, clinical psychologists. We believe in putting skills into action, and we have seen their impact on our lives. With that said, if you ever need deeper support get the help you need from a professional.

And second, we will be sharing 3 DBT Techniques today. DBT is dialectical behavior therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that combines strategies like mindfulness, acceptance, and emotion regulation. We are sharing these DBT skills but they are not Marigold Force skills but rather are originated by Marsha Linehan and teams of psychologists. There are many books (and again tons of licensed clinical psychologists) that can go much more deeply and skillfully into these techniques. Today’s podcast will keep it quite simple for you all.

Jessie: Gotcha. Thank you for those disclaimers!

Let’s start with stories. I know that you will be sharing the DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST DBT techniques but what’s the story behind them. Why did you have to learn how to skillfully get what you want? I ask because the story I tell myself is that people must assume that you have always been as skillful as you currently are!

Click here to listen to the podcast and hear our responses.

Joel: Let’s get to the 3 DBT skills. As Jessie said, we are going to be talking about DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST. DEAR MAN is for getting what you want. GIVE is for keeping and preserving your relationships. And FAST is for keeping your self-respect. All three are effective interpersonal skills and each has a different purpose. Let’s look at the three of them.

Click here to listen to the podcast and hear our responses.

Joel: And before we give you all your action steps – because the Marigold Force is all about putting change into action – I wanted to share a tiny nugget of wisdom that I learned in therapy back in the day when I was learning these skills.

Jessie: I think I know which one it is! Share it!

Joel: The phrase goes like this. “That’s a great idea. In order to do that, what do you recommend me taking OFF OF my plate to make that happen?” And it’s extra effective if you rock the dramatic pause afterward.

Jessie: I love that. It really allows the other person to see that first, you might already have a full plate. And second, it puts it on THEM to figure out things like logistics.

Joel: Yup! You can be firm and kind at the same time. It took me a long time to learn that and to learn that I’m usually already doing plenty!

Call to action

Jessie: And now for the action step. Marigolds, grab your journal and the DBT skills visual in the show notes. First, think about why you want to be skillful right now. Is it to get what you want? Focus on the DEAR MAN skill. Is it to support and keep your relationship? Focus on the GIVE skill. Or, is it to keep your self-respect? Focus on the FAST skill.

Joel: After reflecting on what skill you want to work on, start putting it into practice with people and other Marigolds you trust. This takes time. It might be one simple DEAR MAN email. It might be one validating conversation with a colleague. It might be one phone call where you need to unapologetically stick to your values. Start small as you practice these techniques to skillfully get what you want. Do this now.


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Jessie & Joel here, you're new #1 fans.

We are so much more than “just teachers.” Joel is a personal development mastermind, self-care guru, push up machine, skilled ballet dancer, and Kombucha connoisseur. I’m a systems-minded queen, Excel nerd, aspiring handstand professional, travel enthusiast, and a cat mama. 

“Teacher” is just one of our many hats, and I bet you have a few more hats too!

Joel and I want to show you how to get a solid grip on your teaching gig, so you can give your best energy to whatever matters most to you.

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